When I was in high school, I had a really close-knit group of friends. We weren't the popular kids, we weren't the nerds, we were somewhere in between, and we were happy that way. We would sit in a classroom during breaks and just chat, catch up, waste time and revel in each others company. When high school ended, we all went our separate ways, some going further than others and heading towards Israel, some staying right where they were in Cape Town and me moving to Grahamstown. But despite our distance, we still kept close, getting together at the end of the year in Cape Town once more and, without any awkwardness or hesitation, picking up where we had left off. But, as the years passed, we grew further apart, and while I still consider these people as some of my best friends, we are not nearly as close as we used to be. Rachel is married, David engaged, Gina living in Johannesburg, Natasha and Richard studying hard at university, Alain doing what I am but in Taiwan and Hayley as dedicated to her work as ever. Being here I feel so disconnected from all of them, and the distance hasn't done me good. There have been unforgivable fights and broken ties, and, aside from the occasional facebook message, I haven't properly spoken to any of them in months. I am not blaming them, I am right up there in the blame department, but there is a sense that all of my friendships are falling apart.

It isn't just the old school-day friendships that are in jeopardy either. I am feeling completely disconnected from a lot of the university friends that I was close to, only speaking to two of them on a fairly regular basis (love you Robyn and Amy!). I lost most of my first year university friends long ago because of a split in the group that I was never a part of and could never understand, and lost a number of others along the way for various reasons, and the weight of these lost friendships has been a weight on my heart recently. I keep wondering what if, and the outcomes seem to hurt more than the reality at times.

One of the biggest problems that I had when I got to Korea was with friendships. Sure, I was meeting a whole bunch of people right from the start, but my friendships with them were nothing compared to the ones that I had back home. Even though I knew a lot of people, for the first six months here, when something was wrong, I felt that I didn't have anyone to turn to. There were people that I spoke to on a daily basis, but I kept feeling like I couldn't open up to them, that if they saw me at my lowest point, nothing would be the same again. But, after six months, I eventually found someone that I could talk to about anything, that I wanted to talk to about anything and everything. I finally found someone that I could rely on and who could rely on me. It was a great feeling, the kind that made the time that was left feel a lot shorter. And then I made a mistake, and could feel it starting to slip away. It was a small knock, something that will probably be forgotten in a couple of weeks, but it was enough to remind me of all the friendships that I have lost over the years and the sudden realisation that I have been taking my friendships for granted.

One of the main problems that I have been having with my friendships over the years is that I can't keep my mouth shut. It is a persistent problem that I have had since I was very young, and one that I think is hereditary and causes endless fights between my father and I. One of my friends recently described it as my need to always be right, but I don't think that's quite it, though it is halfway there. I don't always have to be right, but I do always have to have my opinion heard. I can admit that my opinion isn't always right, but it is mine, and I think that the need to express it is going to come in very handy when I one day have my own newspaper or magazine column (dreaming, I know.) But it doesn't really help my friendships. And so, I have made a resolve to try and keep my mouth shut from now on. I am going to try and keep my opinion to myself unless explicitly asked not to, and while I know that this is going to be a struggle for me, I do think that it will be for the best.

So, before I finish off, I just want to say sorry to the people that I have hurt through the voicing of my opinion over the last few months. These are far from the only people I have hurt, but they are the ones that I feel have been affected the most. David, Alain, Patrick and Jessica (who hasn't been on the receiving end of the opinions, but has had all too many voiced to her), I love you guys and I hope that you can forgive me.